cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Donating blood today to make room for more food