cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it