Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left