Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

I’m literally crying

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.