Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”