Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

I’ve disappointed better people.

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it