Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

This headline is a thing of beauty

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

Most Common Source of Electricity

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…