cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
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You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Good morning!
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”