Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.