Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.