Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

That’s it.I’m out.

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

🏙👨🏼

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.