Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
You Might Also Like
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
We avoided this particular disaster
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”