Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

So that’s what we looked like?

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them