Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

I cannot stop laughing at this

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.