Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

Genius idea!!

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves