me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Hey! This isn’t my car!
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor