@HughGoesThere

Cop: We need to test you for marijuana.
Me: That’s kashmir purple kush.
Cop: Correct, you’re free to go.

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@ElliotHetherton

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

@farouq_yahaya

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

@Poutymcgee

Doe. A deer. A female deer.

Ray. My creepy Uncle’s naaaame.

@dumbbeezie

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

@brynnester

Me: *panic buying*

[Later At Home]

Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?

Me: I panicked

@KeetPotato

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

@BeTheCookie

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

@Mr_Kapowski

Clown 2: Sorry man. You got outvoted by us, 42-1. We want to listen to ICP

Clown 1: My VW Bug. I’m driving the carpool. It’s Streisand.