I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.