Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

Eggs benadryl my favourite

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream