Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
You Might Also Like
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
welp
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).