Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
You Might Also Like
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Truly one of the great bangers
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.