cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
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The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
😎 🍻
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?