Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

The “baby” on the left….

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️