cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
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when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
The answer is funnier than the question
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.