Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.