Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
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Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.