cop: what do we put for cause of death
me: health complications
cop: but he was beheaded
me: really complicates one’s health, doesn’t it

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BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip


[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?


Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.


I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.


I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore


Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.


I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.


If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.


The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I’m gonna get the government involved so you can’t leave


[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say