@captainkalvis

cop: what do we put for cause of death
me: health complications
cop: but he was beheaded
me: really complicates one’s health, doesn’t it

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@geekysteven

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

@therichards5

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

@betulesairafi

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

@TheQuietPsycho

I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore

@moose_chocolate

Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.

@HRTSMRT

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

@envydatropic

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

@cervixsmash

The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I’m gonna get the government involved so you can’t leave

@stevemarriott

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say