COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
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This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now