COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
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I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I want this so bad
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.