COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
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Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
🤣🤣💀
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”