Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.