Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants