@lazerdoov

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

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@theevilwriter

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

@ayyyyloser

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

@AndrewsNotFunny

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

@kelkulus

Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome!
Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi.
Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*

@murrman5

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

@SRbeta

I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich.

This one just told me i was adopted 🙁

@ashleyaustrew

4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”

@FilthyRichmond

Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don’t know what they want or how the world works.

@Darlainky

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.