Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

How does someone manage that 🤨

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown