cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
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Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
You can’t rush stupid.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Dune (2021)
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.