Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.