Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

i guess his teacher was really pissed

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.