Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

yes yes a thousand times yes!

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.