Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..