Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

Monday

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?