Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly