As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
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Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Scream sneezers need love too.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape