Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
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Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
A small tragedy.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
LOL!
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Life cycle of cat
