Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

as is their right

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.