Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

Catering service

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.