cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
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me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I enjoy a good short stor
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️