cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
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OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Twitter fine art
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
ready to be harvested
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party