cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
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dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.