cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
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If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear