Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
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Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.