Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
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there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)