Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
You Might Also Like
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel