Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
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Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?