Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?