Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
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Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
scares
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.