Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
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(by @ZachWeiner )
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Split the bill
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Me when I hear gossip
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”