The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…