Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmbo

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

Teach your children to beatbox

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

I hope this email finds you in a well

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.