Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

when the buffet is more honest than your date

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song