i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Cop: where ya headed?
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
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[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.
genie: long time no see, ok, you have one wish left
Geppetto: I want a real boy
genie:??? what happened to the other 2 you wished for?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.