Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

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i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly


[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that


DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*


date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him


The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.


[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm


Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.


genie: long time no see, ok, you have one wish left

Geppetto: I want a real boy

genie:??? what happened to the other 2 you wished for?


Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.