[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
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I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
A Monday every week is excessive
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot