[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
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NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Always the camel, never the toe.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.