“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
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You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
This kid will have a bright future.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then