Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig