Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

that wasn’t the question

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy