Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

what are they serving at kfc then???

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us