@squirrel74wkgn

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

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@MomOnFire

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

@handsock_butts

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

@Social_Mime

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

@Gooooats

A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power.

@jonnysun

“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
“please”
sit down
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read

@unbub_

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

@rakshesha

It finally happened! The flight attendant asked “is there a doctor on this flight?” and I leapt up and said yes!

Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.

He didn’t make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now.

@toastymoe

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

@jwoodham

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS