@squirrel74wkgn

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

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@ddsmidt

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

@CornOnTheGoblin

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

@TheCatWhisprer

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

@iwearaonesie

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

@nnnatchos

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

@SirEvisiae

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

@curlycomedy

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

@KKBowls

Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid