Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

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My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.


HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes


I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”


A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power.


“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
sit down
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read


a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs


It finally happened! The flight attendant asked “is there a doctor on this flight?” and I leapt up and said yes!

Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.

He didn’t make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now.


Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch


Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.


[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS