The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
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If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.
(Flintstones theme song)
they’re a teenage mutant family
they’re about to save new york city
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid