Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die