Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
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my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.