Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
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Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?