Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

Yup….perfect score!

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce