Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.