Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:

Yeah sure what time

The three genders

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

God has abandoned us.

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.