Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
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All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering