Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
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[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies